


(hokuje) today without you

by jc_lewis



Category: SixTONES (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Heartbreak, M/M, Post-Break Up, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-15 17:55:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28692825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jc_lewis/pseuds/jc_lewis
Summary: the morning sun colored jesse's bedroom a beautiful orange until he realized it was another day without hokuto.
Relationships: Jesse Lewis/Matsumura Hokuto
Comments: 3
Kudos: 13





	(hokuje) today without you

**Author's Note:**

> happy new year, (it's the 11th already!) from your local hokuje trash <3 i'm still in shambles processing the aftermath of on EST and 1ST, but i had to start the new year with a good dollop of hokuje, especially after the colossal injustice that was them NOT singing curtain call at on est. 
> 
> much thanks to diligent translators on twitter for translating the song lyrics that i can write this hokuje break up fic based on the lyrics of curtain call. needless to say, that means curtain call is a soundtrack for the story. anyways. there might be slight character ooc. hopefully not too bad. i smashed this out in 45 mins. 
> 
> please enjoy the hurt!  
> special shoutout to my moral support miss sera (:

The first morning Jesse woke up, he knew it felt strange to roll over to an empty bed. He rubbed his eyes and searched for Hokuto, only to remember he wouldn’t be here anymore. He dug his phone out from under his pillow and checked the time - 6:00 a.m. That was the time Hokuto would get up every morning, and it was the first morning since he was gone. Jesse’s body still remembers. 

The morning sun rays spilled through the window facing his bed and it colored his room a mellow orange. Jesse rubbed his temple and tried to go back to sleep, tossing and turning. Eventually he came to the realization he couldn’t sleep because the sunlight was too bright, and his bad habit of forgetting to pull down the shade before sleeping always manifested in this issue. And so Hokuto - and it was always Hokuto - who woke up first and drew the curtains close. 

It had been merely 10 minutes since he’d been conscious yet the two syllables of Hokuto’s name seemed to echo through his now empty room and heart endlessly. And with each reverberation, his heart twinged with a persisting dull pain as he tried to shake it out of his mind. 

Who knew the way they lived had intertwined so deeply? 

Jesse persisted for the next few days in this exact state. Waking up in utter heartbreak, seeking company in the wee hours of the morning just so he could feel something again. On the fifth day when Kochi saw Jesse reach for his third cup of coffee, he finally asked what’s wrong. To which Jesse smiled and replied nothing. The remaining members watched as he turned from a man who sweetened his coffee with abundant creamer to one who walked around sipping his bitter coffee, dark and black - like the place he meandered in. 

It was hard to find his way out this time, not when Hokuto arrived first in the dressing room every morning. Not when Jesse opened the door to Hokuto turning around and merely nodding his head to his presence. Not when a warm smile followed by a morning kiss was replaced by a lukewarm greeting. 

Jesse isn’t sure what he should have done. He isn’t sure why he struggled free of Hokuto’s love. He wasn’t sure why he deeply regretted calling Hokuto’s love heavy, all while missing the weight it had. His excuse was he didn’t know that Hokuto’s love had grounded his life from tearing apart in every direction, like a plate of loose sand. He regrets again and again. 

To this day, Hokuto’s last words the night he left still haunted Jesse, “Thank you for everything until now.” Hokuto thanked Jesse sincerely - like their love had been merely a service - of giving and receiving, a series of cold transactions, a romance without flavor. 

Jesse remembered forcing a smile, only until the door closed behind Hokuto before turning around in a halt to crumble at his feet moments later. He was the forger of this ending - so why won’t the tears stop? 

Exactly 33 days after Hokuto vanished from his life, after Jesse even began to clean his belongings free of Hokuto’s print. That very morning he woke up back at square one. Sitting on his bed, before the sun even rose he stared blankly into the distance. 

Jesse dreamt of Hokuto. It felt so real. Only he had no more sadness left in his reservoir to feel. 

When he climbed out of bed for his first cup of morning coffee, he dug out the last of his memoir of the past from a dainty box under his bed. It had collected a very thin layer of dust. Jesse opened the box and picked up the set of polaroid pictures. 

Vivid memories rushed back into his mind, filling it of the day they spent on that deserted sandy beach. Strolling while holding hands, running, chasing each other as the gentle waves crashed against the shore. In that splitting moment, there was nothing else either of them needed. There was nothing between the two of them that could break them - it was them against the world. Or so they thought.

Jesse closed his eyes and took a ragged deep breath, hoping to remove himself from the abyss of this memory again. There was nothing he wouldn’t do to detach himself from his own feelings again. 

_“It’s okay this way. It’s okay…”_ He whispered to himself and told himself repeatedly. 

After much deliberation, the clock struck 6 a.m. and his palm sweated as he stared at the send button on his phone. Jesse knew Hokuto would be up at this hour, and even though Jesse was the last person who should be saying anything, he had fallen off the train already today anyways.

“Your movie was really good. I cried watching it.” He quickly punched the letters into the text box and hit send. 

It didn’t mean anything. 

“Thank you.” The words flew back immediately. It didn’t mean anything.

His heart dropped again for the thousandth time since the beginning of this ordeal. Jesse found himself lingering in front of his drawer that had a pack of cigarettes from his last heartbreak. He knew he couldn’t return to it. Slowly he opened the drawer, but took out his journal instead and scribbled a line of illegible text onto the paper. 

_Today is another day without you, Hokuto. Day 33. Coffee was bitter. Everything still hurts. Hope you are well._


End file.
